To let it go...

I used to believe that thinking was everything...if you asked me before today, I'd say to sit down first and work everything through...settle the game at the speed of thought on a piece of paper...then look at every factor in turn and think about how practice might deviate from theory...then make necessary adjustments and run through the plan twice in your head...and all this, in one and a half minutes...so that by the time we act it'd be the third seeing the plan... Today I learnt that one and a half minutes is too long to wait...that we have to keep moving all the time...that the way was to move while planning and running as fast as you can...then on finding that you were running the wrong way, to turn and run as fast as you can...it did not matter which way you were going...the key was to always be moving...because somehow, the faster you moved the less likely it was to die... Also because humans never behave according to plan...because people are only trembling hand perfect...and because there are certain first principles that we want to stick to...very few people actually get turned away, but very few people come, either...

Was it not all a lie from the start...even if it was untold, how we knew deep inside that we were all human...and how is it that nobody could admit to being tired? That there has to be this hole somewhere in the heart that represents a longing...that the older we grow the larger that hole grows...that the things that once filled the hole will not stay when it grows...I never really understood how people work...but it's strange how the more people there are, the more lonely one tends to feel...maybe this only works for me, but I really don't like how people have a tendency to want to be around...

It's strange how songs and books seldom make me cry, but these funny things do...I don't think I'll ever know, but it must be real nice to live life without any dreams...I don't suppose the rocks ever feel lonely being by themselves...to have a passion for nothing, life must be peaceful in that way...God has a way of always being big enough to fill that hole, I guess...

In the end, no matter how many promises we make, and no matter how we make them...nothing human is for forever...I don't think much about making promises that cannot be kept...logic fails me here, because sooner or later everything will be forgotten...one step at a time is how everything behind me fades out of view...knowing all that I do it must be real stupid to still want this...but it'd be nice if I could take you to where I must go...

It hit me suddenly that the mind that brought so many things under its control is unable to control its own thirst for knowledge...words become other words to such an extent that nobody knows what anybody else is saying anymore...if there ever come a day when I get power like that, I'd shoot anyone dead if there came a word with no meaning to it...say something that doesn't add anything new to anyone's understanding, and I'll fill your head with bullets...that of which I once was afraid I will rule with fear, and that which I now respect I will lead through respect...I mean, it can't hurt to dream once in a while...nobody's going to blame you for doing something if it makes you happy and does not hurt anyone...

There used to be a time when even by moonlight it was too bright to see anything...when you could open your eyes only on a cloudy night...and there actually was a time when things did not just disappear on their own...don't ask me, because I have no idea what happened to all the things we promised to be...

Where were you when I looked...when I needed you there? When I needed a friend, as we all sometimes do? And where did you go when hope left and despair sat with me and I could not speak? Or when my world went off on its own...or when I had a day to spare...or when I was waiting for something that did not come?

How can any man ask, where were you when we were blind? For if you are blind you cannot see...so how would you know if nobody was beside you all the while? I don't know, but I don't think anyone really believes that the way to make a point stronger is to repeat it...I'm going to run and I won't think of anything...and I will look back, and then I will laugh...because Death missed and only it's shadow passed over me...

And that which you did not choose will come back...everytime, it will come back and ask you...and you know how much pain hurts when it hurts in the heart...maybe you could tell me that you don't care, then it all goes back in the box...

Just as it takes only one moment to mess up the rest of your life, I guess you could say that every moment we get another chance to turn everything around...a heart of stone is not easily broken, but it never heals...I'm curious as to what pain would say if it could speak...I mean, after all the small things that happen now and then, I'd still be happy if we could come back to the same first principles...

It's not that I want any of this to go to waste...but I think that we do not understand logic in the same way that God does...I don't know what it takes for people to stop being strangers and start being friends...

Certain things are there just to tell us that things never become better or worse, they just change...the more people try, the more things will stay the same...I like the way things come one after another...how time keeps everything from happening all at once...and how time gives meaning to a before an and after...I think this is more than you can say for some people, because not everyone respects what comes before and what comes after...

I can't help but feel as though this all started with what was my fault...because we all have to think about other people...thinking about yourself only leads to cowardice or arrogance...I think we all have to realize how everyone else is just as afraid of you as you are of them...or maybe I was correct before, that one mistake can cost you the rest of your life...

If Man is a student, then life is his teacher, nature is his classroom...pain is the lesson, wounds and scars are the assignments, and the final examination is violence...failure is death, success is survival, and graduation is evolution...

Then promises are made to be broken, charity is weak, society and civilization are pretenses...hope is fantasy, trust is equivalent to surrender...love is an illusion, love is distracting, love leaves man vulnerable and disappointed...in short, a lie...

And despite every disappointment, every silence and every painful memory...defying all logic and against all rationality...we occasionally assume the trembling hand, and forgive, and maybe even dare to love again...

Maybe you were right...that of all people I should be able to understand what nothing means...what it means to be nothing, to live for nothing and to count for nothing...still, I don't see anything wrong with trying to turn things around...perhaps right now I'm just not the kind of person to be thinking of anything other than now...

Nothing wrong with having some kind of a direction...just that there feels as though something is missing here...that there must be more than just fighting...that when you're not fighting there has to be more than just resting...somewhere along, something was left behind...the occasional silence reminds me that I've forgotten something...